DARING TO BE KNOWN BY HER
When asked how she and husband Steve Lawrence had stayed together so long, singer Eydie Gorme once gave the following advice:
“Always keep it light, never talk about anything serious! ”
For couples who don't sing love duets, this is not a recipe for long-term marital bliss. But it does touch a nerve: Most men aren't comfortable discussing intimate or emotional issues–including sexual fantasies. According to radio talk show host and syndicated columnist Dennis Prager, “When it comes to men's specific desires, they are usually too embarrassed or afraid to say. ” 1
Is it really necessary for husbands to leave their non-verbal comfort zone? Why can’t the wives watch Oprah! and gush over touchy-feely issues while husbands watch the “game” and communicate through monosyllables and simple gestures?
The non-verbal status quo is fine–unless the husband wants to rekindle the fires of romance, which, of course, is what I heartily advocate. So my advice to husbands is: Find the “Power Off” button on the remote, get off the couch and start courting your wife. Which, for starters, means talking and listening to her. Courtship is an exciting zone for the male animal, but, at least for husbands, it is not a comfort zone.
That’s okay. The path of least resistance is not always the best way to go. In fact, the path of greatest resistance is more likely the best way. This was codified by mystery novelist John D. MacDonald into Meyer’s Law: “In all emotional conflicts, the thing you find hardest to do is the thing you should do.” 2 So, if you find “inter-spousal communication” difficult, take it as a reliable indicator that you’re on the right path.
But maybe it wasn’t always so difficult. Guys, think back to your dating days. Perhaps you’ve forgotten how much, in those first, feverish encounters, conversation fueled romance. Yes, primitive signals, body language and other forms of nonverbal communication do make up a significant part of the mating dance. But words are still required to make the emotional connection, to elevate the he-she encounter to the realm of romance. Even whales, apparently, croon love songs.
When Silence Isn’t Golden
Eloquence is especially required when indifference has drifted you and your spouse apart. Passionate speech is called for to begin bridging that kind of emotional gulf. It’s okay to take your bride for richer or for poorer, but not to take her for granted.
This is not easy for most men. That is why I made this Step Six. After the reawakening suitor has realized he wants to get back the thrill, committed himself to save his sex energies for his wife, to make her his fantasy, to court her every day, attempt to win her anew, and to pamper her and pitch in around the house.
The good news is, with marriage returning to the pulse-quickening courtship model, there should be plenty to talk about. The more a husband's thoughts–and fantasies–turn to his wife during the day, the more he will have to share with her at night (or other private times)...
You can read the rest of this chapter, and all the other chapters of Worshipping Your Wife, in book form. The 100-page paperbound book features all the original chapters written for this website (which began online in 2001) with a new concluding chapter, “Happy-Ever-Aftering Takes Work.”