So far I’ve been talking to husbands, offering things they can do to “turn marriage back into passionate courtship.” Even the last chapter was couched in terms of the husband “letting” his wife initiate sex by “ceding control” to her in order to recreate the dynamics of courtship.

But the suggestions that follow cannot be implemented by the husband. They require the wife’s complicity, indeed, her supervision.

So what follows is addressed both to husband and wife. My hope is that, by now, she is reading along, having been shown the book (perhaps after demanding to know the reasons for her husband’s sudden romantic transformation).

The techniques for bringing courtship into the bedroom, and into bed, are rationing and teasing. They are intended to be playful, not kinky. Rationing, for instance, does not equate to denial of sex, merely postponing–the wife keeping her mate in a state of erotic suspense in order to enhance their mutual pleasure.

If that’s kinky, so is heavy petting, because that’s what it amounts to. It’s ritual courtship behavior, the mating dance performed endlessly and variously by all God's creatures to ensure male fascination with the female and his optimum peformance.

Many wives take to this step with relish–those who are not averse to being manipulative (figuratively and literally). To quote Fumika Misato’s advice to wives, “To wield erotic power you must overcome your own inhibitions to being manipulative.”¹

Others may object on principle. When first exposed to some of Misato’s techniques (which are more involved and extensive than anything mentioned here), one woman's response was categorical: “I don't approve.” Specifically, she didn't approve of using sex in any way that could be construed as controlling her husband. Sex, she felt, was intended as a gift of love, not a power trip.

How can one argue with that? This is an entirely understandable and loving response.

But what if a husband desires to be “manipulated”–in a playful way? Wouldn’t a wife, in so doing, be conferring a gift of love? What if, in order to foster the climate of romantic eroticism, he needs to be manipulated? What if the result is a marriage quickened with a return to the feverish dynamics of impassioned courtship?

Just a nudge, gentle wives. But let me add, for any willing to give these ideas a playful spin, such romantic outcomes are not exceptional; they are the rule.

“Every woman I know who has succeeded in taking charge of her man’s orgasms has been overjoyed with the results,” one well-pleased woman wrote. “Their men become more interested in them, more affectionate, physically and mentally, more polite and generous, more helpful, better lovers and even sexier!”

The underlying point is, even when a couple goes to bed, courtship continues. The husband does not become conqueror; he remains suitor. Under these playful new rules, “making love” retains its older, courtly connotations. Bringing her pleasure becomes his primary focus–and his only sure reward. What favors will she grant him? He does not know. He advances eagerly as far as she permits, no farther.

All here is at her whim. She may, she may not. She may wish him to please her again, while she meditates upon his fate. Her authority in this arena is not questioned. A game isn’t really a game if the outcome is foreknown.

Again, sex is not denied the husband, merely rationed. The wife controls the frequency of his ejaculations, guided by experience and experimentation, in order to maintain him in a healthy state of desire.² Misato refers to this wifely art as “keeping him on the edge”–too frequent, and he may become sated and lose interest; too seldom, and he may become frustrated and rebellious.

The rationing is not an exercise of perverse power, but of practicality. “I recommend that you place your husband on some kind of sexual diet,” one wife explains, “so that his appetite for the goodies will peak and keep him wanting more. Use and enjoy this power–for your benefit and his.”

The unknowable outcome plays with the husband’s mind, increasing his excitement. Meanwhile, erotic teasing by his wife–teasing that need not be confined to the bedroom–also works to his advantage. He experiences an increase in sexual excitement, and with an intensity he has probably not known since adolescence. Only his game-ending climaxes are reduced...